Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
