if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Define "chronic" masturbator.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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