I faked an abortion last night.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
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