I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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