M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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