yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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