So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
