Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
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