I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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