I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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