when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
