Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
