dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Randomize
