i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
