This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
