I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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