Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
God I need to hump something, right now.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
