It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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