paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
that may or may not have been my penis.
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