I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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