Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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