my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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