I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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