i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
