I just threw up on my dentist
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
