pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
