Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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