she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
