I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
