The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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