Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
We're too hungover to prance.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
