I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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