the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
