Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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