Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
