I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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