Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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