It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
