I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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