last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Randomize
