I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
