You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
this hospital has no fireball
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
