I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
