I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
