I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Randomize
