DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
he fucked my hip out of place.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
