He disabled his match.com account in front of me
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
