I wanna bring you to show and tell
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
