Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
