you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
